I will not say I love you

 

I will not say “I love you.” The truth is that “I love you” is lazy. It is the everything phrase. The ultimate projection receptacle. What I think it actually says is “Here, here is a blank canvas, draw in whatever you want to see. I didn’t want to stop and put into words how I actually feel. I couldn’t even process how I feel. This is easier, to say I love you.”

“I love you”. It’s brilliant really. It camouflages fear with hope. Lust with with purity. Control with goodwill. It is the immeasurable gold standard of personal relationships; everything is relative to how much you do or do not love someone.

Saying “I love you” suggests no inclination as to why there is love. It states a conclusion rather than a complete story. It can become a compulsive act. It becomes an expectation. Once the expectation is set a deviation from the statement would indicate a problem. So in order to avoid confronting such problems I say it anyway. It isn’t hard, it’s just those three words uttered without mindfulness.

I’d rather describe how I feel. Not all at once as a summary, but rather with certainty over time. Maybe even a lifetime. Seemingly subtle statements. “I enjoy your presence it warms my soul.” or “When I see you smile at a distance I wash over with joy.” Maybe even “I can’t with all the words in the universe describe with accuracy how grateful I am that you get up and make the coffee in the morning.” I might even say “Your confidence in me, when I’m filled with self doubt, empowers me to go on.”

Or I could trade it all for “I love you.” and when it comes time for the heart to pour out with authenticity the practice will not be there. The words will fall short. The emotion to large and the expression to small. Just the empty tinny sound of the same words that clang upon your ears, same as before.