Curling up with Craigslist

So you are lonely and just want a friend?  Trying to find the "right one"?  Bored, horny, and looking to hook up?  Ranting about people who don't know the difference between your and you're?  Of course you are!  But who exactly replies to those Craigslists ads.  Who is the author hiding behind that anonymity?  The answer is simple. It is me.  I am K.

In reply to a request for a date to a holiday party...

Heyyoooooo,

Sorry there is no picture, but I'm Amish and a photo would steal my soul.  If I did have a picture of myself the caption would read "hey i'm dumb enough to send my picture to a stranger on the internet, also I accept candy from old men with unmarked vans".  At ## years old men with unmarked vans are still a fear of mine, when I get older I'll just give out candy in an SUV (you know cause it's credible).

Anyway I wish I was awesome enough to be your plus one, but I'm probably not.

First (a), I'd probably need a sense of humor which I just don't have.  I never joke, I'm always as serious a stenographer taking notes at a cardboard factory.  When people do tell jokes that are based on fact oriented inaccuracies I make it a point to correct these errors immediately so they do not get propagated.  "What did the mollusca say?" Nothing, mollusks don't talk, don't spread that rumor.

Second (b), I lack the keen ability to infer sarcasm.  Do you think that's great? Well if you were to say so I would think that you did. 

Third (3), I frown constantly and it's as contagious as Hepatitis A (it's really contagious).  It's true I bring people down like my middle name was gravity.  I once split a Happy Meal with Ronald McDonald and after five minutes of talking I asked him how it was and he said "as sad as this conversation" and the toy was a french fry transformer (read with excitement)!

So I'd love to be your plus one, but i'm just not sure it would be a good fit. A serious stenographer, with no sarcasm, infectious sadness, and an ocean of under the sea fact corrections waiting to happen probably would be a bad idea for your party.  I probably shouldn't of written, you probably won't reply.  I hope I hear back from you, but if I don't I'll just assume you got half way through this email and the very thought of my existence made you use your keyboard to smack yourself in the face repeatedly until your brain hemorrhaged (you know a key-stroke?)  But if you were still interested and wanted to meet up for a coffee or a beer, well then dag nabbit, hit me up.

Sincerely,

The Internets co-captain.

In reply to "I lost my Teddy Bear".. Put your favorite pick up line at the beginning of the email so I know you're real...

I'm creepy and I stare a lot, but I make up for it by being completely honest! 

Okay it might not sound like a great pick up line, but it did get me an entire evening of interesting conversation with a girl one time.  I haven't used it since which means it has a 100% effectiveness rate.  Consequently you are now required to fall swoon, or at least send me a reply.  I am not 24, I am a different age.  It is your age times two, divided by four, and multiplied by 2.3.  Classic word problems...  

Anyway, let's talk.. let's talk.. lets see... oh right I should tell you about myself.  I'm pretty average.  Average height, average build, average looks.  If you were looking for someone interesting, or with a great sense of humor, or like a set of skills that are really impressive like juggling a chainsaw, a hacky sack, and a conversation, that's not really me.  If person A would say 4 words and person B said 2 words, I'd find a way to say 3 words.  But maybe just maybe I'd find a way to make 3 words count more than either 2 or 4 words.  (Word problems again, geesh what's with this guy, knows how to woo the ladies).  

So here's the deal, because deal's need to be made.  I don't have any interest in swapping pictures online.  Picture swapping is lame. I'm average looking and your chubby (stop making that offended face, you said it... shut up whatever, knock it off)  Okay so if you want email more that's cool I can get down with personality evaluation.  I will create a psychological profile of you and determine if you can be trusted or if I should be concerned that you might roofie me the first time we try to get a drink.  Also don't worry about me, I'm totally safe (see opening statement).  Then maybe, possibly, and this is only if I completely and utterly let my guard down, maybe we could get coffee.  

Okay on three... 1, 2, 3,
Hope your game! 

In Reply to my listing...
They're response:

Greetings, stranger. I saw your post on craiglist looking for a friend. I'm kinda in the same boat as you. I've been here over a year but really don't have friends. The dynamics just have not worked out with school and my other life (working in OMGWTF). I shouldn't be writing this right now as I should be studying for finals. I enjoy climbing and am hoping to meet climbers who can help me out since I'm still a baby at it. I joined an legit online group and thought I'd look at the more sketchy craiglist.... I am obviously slightly desperate as I have resorted to craigslist (I imagine you feel the same). Anyways, I appreciated that you are not a 420 junky and that you use proper grammar and punctuation.

A little about me... my name is OMGWTFBBQ. I'm ##; a student at WTF. I'm nice and easy going and have a dry sense of humour. I'm usually pretty busy which is one of the reasons I haven't made many friends yet. I'm really looking for friends though, and if we seem agreeable and not-sketchy to each other maybe we can connect. I love outdoors stuff, am not a fan of running myself (though this summer I forced myself). I'd like to do more outdoors activities, so this winter break I am hitting the gym to get back into gear.

Anyways, maybe we can exchange a few emails, and if it feels good we can progress. I am a very cautious and forcibly skeptical person, so I like to feel things out first.  So, what can you tell me about yourself? A name would be a good start. :)

Cheers  

 My response:

Hi OMGWTFBBQ, I am K.  My sense of humor comes in levels.  It ranges from somewhat witty, to anything for a joke.  If you tell me what level your comfortable with I'll try and keep it at that level. 

Level 1 (somewhat witty):  It is a pleasure to have received your response.  I like that you appreciate my grammar and spelling.  Although I'd have to say my friends would laugh at you, since I am terrible at all things grammar.  D: "You messed up the incomplete construction again."  K: "Fine! You're smarter than I! Is that what you want to here?!" (seriously is it?...) 

Level 2 (generic and vague, you might type lol, but won't really laugh out loud): I'm ## and a full time software developer.  My sense of humor ranges from dumb word play to somewhat witty sarcasm.  I'd love to say I'm as sarcastic as all of craigslist, but craigslist seems to be keeper of the sarcasm trolls.  Before I moved here from Philly I remember being somewhat lovable, but I don't know that Colorado got the memo... or I've always been an asshole and my friends are saints.  Either way, something hasn't translated for me out here. 

Level 3 (dark):  I don't feel desperate posting on craigslist. I'm an engineer and I'm simply using the tools available to me.  I don't get to dictate the stigma of craigslistanymore than I get to dictate the stigma of a  chain saw, but at a certain point you have to go in the backyard and chop up your friends. 

Level 4 (slightly racist... i'm not racist...): Did I mention I do dark humor?  Not like urban, just dark.  

Level 5: (crass): This is the part where you don't reply... or alternatively, you're awesome and found this to be hilarious. You just spewed whipped cream from the hot chocolate you're sipping through your nose and in some magical feat it has unwhipped somewhere between your mouth and your nostrils and consequently made your keyboard look like everyone else's who uses craigslist. (ewww... cringe) 

Level 6: (meta): This is where bring it all back together and remind you that this is simply a litmus test for where you are comfortable.  I also might go up or down a level and ask you "better or worse"?